Have you not known?

Last weekend: emotionally exhausting. Weary, tense, annoyed. 
This weekend: renewed, hopeful, expectant. 

Welcome to the roller-coaster we call adoption. I totally love roller-coasters but I'm screaming one minute, dying laughing the next and typically hanging on for dear life.

Yesterday we celebrated Pryce's 7th Birthday. She woke up all smiles. She said, "I've been waiting for this day my whole life!" :) We celebrated with a small party at school, had some girl time with one of her sweet friends, got their nails done and went back to her school for the Renaissance festival dressed in princess attire! She was so thankful. I love this girl. She's full of compassion and sincerity. An Absolute joy.

Today the goodness continued...
Two weeks ago our friends came home with their daughter T who is Shaunti's friend from the orphanage. T and Shaunti are settling in the same town along with two other children already here and formerly form the same orphanage! If that doesn't make your jaw drop then maybe I'm just overly excitable. Anyway, today we show up at the Bradley Park Chickfila for a playdate to meet T for the first time. We walked in the door feeling anxious and excited. Shortly after getting there T comes around the corner smiling. It was surreal to finally meet her. All those months of looking at her picture (sometimes with her head poking up in pictures behind Shaunti). All those months of dreaming with her mama and there she stood! This time she wasn't in a picture but at Chickfila! She was coming in and out of the play area like any other kiddo! All the kids did crafts and sat together coloring. Several times T came over to me. I got to hold her hand in mine and explain I was Shaunti's mommy and introduce her to Pryce and Knox. She seemed to understand and responded with a smile. She interacted with Pryce and Knox. She repeated their names and giggled when she was trying to pronounce Knox which sounded like knock. Of course we loved it! It was glorious.

Again tonight I got to spend more time with T and her Mom to celebrate a friends Birthday (this friend Jennie has the two other children from the same orphanage. So that would be 3 kiddos under the same roof tonight from the same orphanage (awesomeness). We painted a peacock feather on a canvas. T sat across from me and throughout the night we would share a glance and a word. She would look me in the eye and smile. Again I told her I was Shaunti's mommy. She would say, "Santi" (drop the Shhh sound and that's how she pronounces it). We communicated as best we could even without words. She is precious and appears to understand a lot. I asked, "Is Shaunti happy?" and she would respond, "Yes" and smile. I asked her if Shaunti was big or small and she stuck her little hand out to show me that Shaunti is much shorter than she is (her mom says about the size of Knox). The whole day was beyond what I can comprehend. 

So many moments I could envision Shaunti in the mix of them. I could imagine her running in and out of the play area, sitting around a table crafting or giggling with Pryce, T and the other girls. 

Last weekend after feeling drained and weary God reminded me of this verse. It's been above my sink for months then mama sent it to me in a card. All week I've been meditating on it:

Isaiah 40: 28-31

²⁸ "Have you not known? Have you not heard?The Lord is the everlasting God,    the Creator of the ends of the earth.He does not faint or grow weary;    his understanding is unsearchable.²⁹ He gives power to the faint,    and to him who has no might He increases strength.³⁰  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

He knows that I am weary of this journey and exhausted, His understanding is unsearchable. In my weakness He doesn't condemn me, He meets me. Last week I was waiting to get on a plane to India. Another week came and went and it didn't happen.  This week I was again waiting but in a different way. I was waiting for the Lord to renew my strength, me the one who had no might, who felt weary and exhausted. I was expectant, relying on Him who is able when I am not.

Rather than hoping in this process I can lean into His understanding. Rather than longing for a phone call I can long for His renewal and continue to run, walk and pursue Him in the midst of this process. How many ways can I apply this today and for the rest of my life! There's unbelievable peace found in His promises. 

Throughout this journey Ephesians 3:16-21 has been an encouragement and prayer:

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

This weekend He did just that. He strengthened me and reminded me that I'm established in Him, not in this process. He allowed me to see His love that is incomprehensible. A love that forgives and redeems a sinner like myself. A love that sets the lonely into families across the world. It's too much for me to grasp, it surpasses my ability to understand. Even though this wasn't "the week" He has been faithful to do more then I imagined. I want to be expectant. I want to expect His strength to sustain me, to renew me and bring her home in His perfect timing.

If you talk to me on a regular basis, remind me of this tomorrow...