Lately in my quiet time (when I get it done!) I've been studying Job (I didn't plan this it just happened!). As I wrapped up this quick study through the book the last devotional "God Can Handle You" hit home for me. In Job's grief and anguish his friends kept lecturing him and telling him it's because of this/that he's suffering so they kept preaching and preaching and lecturing. They were totally freaked out and overwhelmed by all that was happening to Job. They failed to just hear him and sit beside him in his grief. They didn't take the time to truly hear and comfort they just lectured and ranted. First off, this is me! I want to fix everyone! I want to make it better and so I will rattle off advice and my perspective on a situation quicker than crap through a goose. God rebuked Job's friends at the end of the book for this type of behavior. God didn't despise Job's cryings, in fact He affirmed them, even when they were negative and angry. In the end, God told Job's friends they needed to repent and ask Job to pray for them!
This idea that "God Can Handle You" is hitting home even more lately. It turns out that God models for us a love that can handle our anger, handle our rage, handle our doubts, forgive our sin. As I sit here exhausted and reflect on our day I want so badly for our children to know they aren't too much for us (even though I won't lie, I'm feeling beat down at the moment!). S has thrown some intense fits since she got home. Overall she has done very well but when these intense fits come, it's no joke. Sometimes it's because we say no and other times the root is grief and loss. This isn't my first rodeo with fits; big sister gave us some major prep work in this area. I myself can remember throwing a fit or two. I can remember the overwhelming emotions in the moment but I wasn't 5, I will not disclose my age at this point let's just say, WAY TOO OLD (Mama is probably having flashbacks as she reads this. Mama I'm sorry!!). I'm always amazed when a family hasn't experienced a child throwing down so congrats if this is a new phenomenon. Anyway, as I watched S in minute 40 (yes you read that correctly!!) thrashing around, screaming that she didn't love me, kicking (don't forget the spitting) I was praying and doing everything I could to show her that she's not too much (even though it kind of felt that way and I was overwhelmed with emotion). I tried not to let her see it and instead wanted her to see that I wasn't going anywhere no matter what. My prayer is that God will teach her that we love her even when...even when she says things to hurt us, even when she doubts, even when she's afraid. It's-so-hard. Thankfully these episodes aren't occurring daily anymore (we had a good couple of weeks where it was daily or numerous times a week) yet they are draining nonetheless.
I never leave her during these times but just try to keep her safe and not overreact. In some ways it's good for her to get all this junk out and I try to keep putting myself in her shoes. Again, I remember the emotions behind a fit and I came from a stable, loving home. After the gig is up and it's all over, we share hugs and love and I get the girl some water (because you can work up a thirst with that kind of screaming!!) we go back to the "scene of the crime" as Dr. Karyn Purvis puts it. We complete our do-over or "try again" and then we try to move forward.
The whole thing ended (40 min later in case you missed that) with her willingly in my lap. She sat quietly, tears streaming. All the composure I was able to keep during the 40 minutes found itself grieving along with her. I reminded her (all in broken English) what love really is. Love doesn't stop loving when she shouts at me. Love doesn't give her back when she kicks or says she doesn't love me. I am so thankful for these times of holding and tears and reconciliation after it's over. BUT. It's hard for it to be "over" in my heart. It's hard to just shake that one off! But then I get the silent reminder about GOD'S GRACE!!!! How much does HE willingly allow me onto His lap after I have bucked and snorted for not just 40 minutes but nearly 40 years! It's so true, so applicable. I (as you know) don't have the perfection of God but I desperately need the Holy Spirit to continue to reveal these truths about myself so that I can love her well. I am so thankful when Todd walks in the door (can I get an amen ha). He takes times the time to sit, listen, encourage and affirm me. He jumps in and we partner through the rest of the day. I am so thankful for him!!
In so many ways we feel like she's been home forever but in reality it's been 8 weeks so it's still very new. Pray for her to trust and believe that we won't leave her and that she is safe. Pray we allow her to feel the intensity of these big emotions without taking it personally. Pray these times build in her the truth that we can be trusted and relied upon even when she's not grinning from ear to ear. I know it's hard to believe cutie pie can throw down in such a way:)
AGAIN, God is teaching us big truths about His character. I'm so relieved I'm not too much for Him. I want to rest in the truth that He can handle a serious rebel like me who wants her own way, wants the easy road, wants to be right, wants to control, wrestles with doubt and the list goes on...
Great milestones in the last month:
-She's in school just a few hours in the morning and loves it!
-She's warming up to Daddy more. Last night Todd put her down while I slipped out for some girl time.
-All the kids are getting along better. School has helped give them all a break from each other. We've had such huge adjustments between Todd's new job, school starting and her homecoming!
-She went for some routine blood-work (standard for a kiddo just coming home) and was a CHAMP. She earned herself a giant chocolate cupcake from Gigi's and her bravery never ceases to amaze me.
XO,
Gwen
This idea that "God Can Handle You" is hitting home even more lately. It turns out that God models for us a love that can handle our anger, handle our rage, handle our doubts, forgive our sin. As I sit here exhausted and reflect on our day I want so badly for our children to know they aren't too much for us (even though I won't lie, I'm feeling beat down at the moment!). S has thrown some intense fits since she got home. Overall she has done very well but when these intense fits come, it's no joke. Sometimes it's because we say no and other times the root is grief and loss. This isn't my first rodeo with fits; big sister gave us some major prep work in this area. I myself can remember throwing a fit or two. I can remember the overwhelming emotions in the moment but I wasn't 5, I will not disclose my age at this point let's just say, WAY TOO OLD (Mama is probably having flashbacks as she reads this. Mama I'm sorry!!). I'm always amazed when a family hasn't experienced a child throwing down so congrats if this is a new phenomenon. Anyway, as I watched S in minute 40 (yes you read that correctly!!) thrashing around, screaming that she didn't love me, kicking (don't forget the spitting) I was praying and doing everything I could to show her that she's not too much (even though it kind of felt that way and I was overwhelmed with emotion). I tried not to let her see it and instead wanted her to see that I wasn't going anywhere no matter what. My prayer is that God will teach her that we love her even when...even when she says things to hurt us, even when she doubts, even when she's afraid. It's-so-hard. Thankfully these episodes aren't occurring daily anymore (we had a good couple of weeks where it was daily or numerous times a week) yet they are draining nonetheless.
I never leave her during these times but just try to keep her safe and not overreact. In some ways it's good for her to get all this junk out and I try to keep putting myself in her shoes. Again, I remember the emotions behind a fit and I came from a stable, loving home. After the gig is up and it's all over, we share hugs and love and I get the girl some water (because you can work up a thirst with that kind of screaming!!) we go back to the "scene of the crime" as Dr. Karyn Purvis puts it. We complete our do-over or "try again" and then we try to move forward.
The whole thing ended (40 min later in case you missed that) with her willingly in my lap. She sat quietly, tears streaming. All the composure I was able to keep during the 40 minutes found itself grieving along with her. I reminded her (all in broken English) what love really is. Love doesn't stop loving when she shouts at me. Love doesn't give her back when she kicks or says she doesn't love me. I am so thankful for these times of holding and tears and reconciliation after it's over. BUT. It's hard for it to be "over" in my heart. It's hard to just shake that one off! But then I get the silent reminder about GOD'S GRACE!!!! How much does HE willingly allow me onto His lap after I have bucked and snorted for not just 40 minutes but nearly 40 years! It's so true, so applicable. I (as you know) don't have the perfection of God but I desperately need the Holy Spirit to continue to reveal these truths about myself so that I can love her well. I am so thankful when Todd walks in the door (can I get an amen ha). He takes times the time to sit, listen, encourage and affirm me. He jumps in and we partner through the rest of the day. I am so thankful for him!!
In so many ways we feel like she's been home forever but in reality it's been 8 weeks so it's still very new. Pray for her to trust and believe that we won't leave her and that she is safe. Pray we allow her to feel the intensity of these big emotions without taking it personally. Pray these times build in her the truth that we can be trusted and relied upon even when she's not grinning from ear to ear. I know it's hard to believe cutie pie can throw down in such a way:)
AGAIN, God is teaching us big truths about His character. I'm so relieved I'm not too much for Him. I want to rest in the truth that He can handle a serious rebel like me who wants her own way, wants the easy road, wants to be right, wants to control, wrestles with doubt and the list goes on...
Great milestones in the last month:
-She's in school just a few hours in the morning and loves it!
-She's warming up to Daddy more. Last night Todd put her down while I slipped out for some girl time.
-All the kids are getting along better. School has helped give them all a break from each other. We've had such huge adjustments between Todd's new job, school starting and her homecoming!
-She went for some routine blood-work (standard for a kiddo just coming home) and was a CHAMP. She earned herself a giant chocolate cupcake from Gigi's and her bravery never ceases to amaze me.
XO,
Gwen
