Am I too much to handle?

Lately in my quiet time (when I get it done!) I've been studying Job (I didn't plan this it just happened!). As I wrapped up this quick study through the book the last devotional "God Can Handle You" hit home for me. In Job's grief and anguish his friends kept lecturing him and telling him it's because of this/that he's suffering so they kept preaching and preaching and lecturing.  They were totally freaked out and overwhelmed by all that was happening to Job. They failed to just hear him and sit beside him in his grief. They didn't take the time to truly hear and comfort they just lectured and ranted. First off, this is me! I want to fix everyone! I want to make it better and so I will rattle off advice and my perspective on a situation quicker than crap through a goose. God rebuked Job's friends at the end of the book for this type of behavior. God didn't despise Job's cryings, in fact He affirmed them, even when they were negative and angry. In the end, God told Job's friends they needed to repent and ask Job to pray for them!

This idea that "God Can Handle You" is hitting home even more lately. It turns out that God models for us a love that can handle our anger, handle our rage, handle our doubts, forgive our sin. As I sit here exhausted and reflect on our day I want so badly for our children to know they aren't too much for us (even though I won't lie, I'm feeling beat down at the moment!). S has thrown some intense fits since she got home. Overall she has done very well but when these intense fits come, it's no joke. Sometimes it's because we say no and other times the root is grief and loss. This isn't my first rodeo with fits; big sister gave us some major prep work in this area. I myself can remember throwing a fit or two. I can remember the overwhelming emotions in the moment but I wasn't 5, I will not disclose my age at this point let's just say, WAY TOO OLD (Mama is probably having flashbacks as she reads this. Mama I'm sorry!!). I'm always amazed when a family hasn't experienced a child throwing down so congrats if this is a new phenomenon. Anyway, as I watched S in minute 40 (yes you read that correctly!!)  thrashing around, screaming that she didn't love me, kicking (don't forget the spitting) I was praying and doing everything I could to show her that she's not too much (even though it kind of felt that way and I was overwhelmed with emotion). I tried not to let her see it and instead wanted her to see that I wasn't going anywhere no matter what. My prayer is that God will teach her that we love her even when...even when she says things to hurt us, even when she doubts, even when she's afraid. It's-so-hard. Thankfully these episodes aren't occurring daily anymore (we had a good couple of weeks where it was daily or numerous times a week) yet they are draining nonetheless.

I never leave her during these times but just try to keep her safe and not overreact. In some ways it's good for her to get all this junk out and I try to keep putting myself in her shoes. Again, I remember the emotions behind a fit and I came from a stable, loving home. After the gig is up and it's all over, we share hugs and love and I get the girl some water (because you can work up a thirst with that kind of screaming!!) we go back to the "scene of the crime" as Dr. Karyn Purvis puts it. We complete our do-over or "try again" and then we try to move forward.

The whole thing ended (40 min later in case you missed that) with her willingly in my lap. She sat quietly, tears streaming. All the composure I was able to keep during the 40  minutes found itself grieving along with her. I reminded her (all in broken English) what love really is. Love doesn't stop loving when she shouts at me. Love doesn't give her back when she kicks or says she doesn't love me. I am so thankful for these times of holding and tears and reconciliation after it's over.  BUT. It's hard for it to be "over" in my heart. It's hard to just shake that one off! But then I get the silent reminder about GOD'S GRACE!!!! How much does HE willingly allow me onto His lap after I have bucked and snorted for not just 40 minutes but nearly 40 years! It's so true, so applicable. I (as you know) don't have the perfection of God but I desperately need the Holy Spirit to continue to reveal these truths about myself so that I can love her well. I am so thankful when Todd walks in the door (can I get an amen ha). He takes times the time to sit, listen, encourage and affirm me. He jumps in and we partner through the rest of the day. I am so thankful for him!!

In so many ways we feel like she's been home forever but in reality it's been 8 weeks so it's still very new. Pray for her to trust and believe that we won't leave her and that she is safe. Pray we allow her to feel the intensity of these big emotions without taking it personally. Pray these times build in her the truth that we can be trusted and relied upon even when she's not grinning from ear to ear. I know it's hard to believe cutie pie can throw down in such a way:)

AGAIN, God is teaching us big truths about His character. I'm so relieved I'm not too much for Him. I want to rest in the truth that He can handle a serious rebel like me who wants her own way, wants the easy road, wants to be right, wants to control, wrestles with doubt and the list goes on...

Great milestones in the last month:
-She's in school just a few hours in the morning and loves it!
 -She's warming up to Daddy more. Last night Todd put her down while I slipped out for some girl time.
-All the kids are getting along better. School has helped give them all a break from each other. We've had such huge adjustments between Todd's new job, school starting and her homecoming!
-She went for some routine blood-work (standard for a kiddo just coming home) and was a CHAMP. She earned herself a giant chocolate cupcake from Gigi's and her bravery never ceases to amaze me.

XO,
Gwen

"I'm following you on Facebook, is it going as well as it seems?"

I can't believe Shanti has been with us nearly a month.  In some ways it seems like it's been forever in other ways it's very brand new. A friend told me she's been following us on Facebook. She asked if it's going as well as it seems? To which I replied, "Did you read my blog post about how Facebook will deceive you?" ha.
http://www.lewisfamilyfive.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-perfectly-facebook-life.html

Overall our day-to-day adjustment is going well. The volume of 3 kiddos has been different but honestly the challenge is the emotional energy expended each day not so much the extra volume.

Pryce has been very nurturing and a comfort to Shanti. She's been a huge help to me and I'm thankful for how God has prepared her. She told me after the first week that it's tiring work being a big sister. I told her honestly it's tiring work being a mommy too. That's why big sisters and mommy's need breaks! We talked about ways to give her some downtime. Close friends have been so kind in offering to let P come over for playdates or outings.  A few nights ago Pryce was hugging Shanti at bedtime and whispered to me, "Mom I just love her so much" and you can tell. The language barrier has probably been hardest for Pryce because she wants to launch into an American Girl doll extravaganza with S but she doesn't have the words yet to get lost in Pryce's AG, Little Pet Shop or Barbie world! With that said we are seeing Shanti pretend play some so I think it's on the horizon:)

Knox treats Shanti likes she's been around forever (in good and bad ways;). A friend asked him a few weeks ago, "How do you like having a new sister?" to which he paused and responded (looking very confused), "Shanti?!" She said he looked at her like she was out of her mind! In other words, it doesn't feel so new to him and we are thankful. He's laughing with her and commenting on how cute she is one minute and paranoid she's going to actually want one of his Trash Pack Guys or snatch his ridiculous amount of Superheroes. Kind of typical 4 year old meets sibling drama. Knoxism: the other night Shanti moved from our room into her bed in Pryce's room (at her request, yay) and Knox asked, "So can I start sweeping in there now?" to which I replied, "No". He said, "If I was an orphan could I sweep in there?" Buddy you served your time in there! Remember when you would wake me up every 2-3 hours to eat and kept doing that for 8 weeks:) Yep you've served your time! He keeps us laughing and also makes us crazy. All things considered, he's a great bro!

The emotional part is hardest right now. Hour to hour we are kicking along fine but S has been grieving the loss of her friends and past life. She gets sad, frustrated and scared at times. These last few days have been better and a few nights ago was the first time we haven't experienced tears at bedtime. When tears come we encourage them, hold her, remind her with the same message over and over again which basically consists of: we love you, we are sorry, it's OK to cry, we will never leave you, you are safe.  You have to imagine yourself losing a whole room full of friends (or sisters and brothers as they refer to one another in her orphanage) all at once and then being placed in a completely foreign situation. Not to mention the past hurt that's been accumulating over the years. Even the concept of Mom and Dad is foreign, at least the true role of a parent. So not only is she experiencing grief and loss, she's also trying to make sense of this new world around her. These times of holding and reinforcing aren't the same as those we experience with our biological children. First of all, we can dialogue with the bio's about their needs (usually they are quick to tell us) but she's still learning English and still learning us! Of course we have moments when we hold Pryce and Knox and remind them of all sorts of things but the trust is already established. We can quickly redirect them without a lot of explanation. An adopted child has no reason to trust. It's not a quick correction but a time consuming process that is no doubt worth it but exhausting. Hearing no is difficult because she doesn't understand that "no" doesn't change the way we feel about her. So after correction and resolve there is more holding and reminding that we still love, value and will never leave her. I can't suddenly fix this or make her believe us, only time can build a wall of trust, brick by brick. A few days ago I was holding her while she cried not knowing what she needed or honestly why she was even crying. It was such a huge reminder to me that our Heavenly Father is the ultimate comfort. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 We can attempt to comfort her because we have been comforted. Through Christ we are in a relationship with God, the Father of Mercy. I want so much for Shanti to truly connect with us, how much more does He want to be connected with us in a relationship where He can Father, comfort  and guide us?  He is not deterred, overwhelmed or fearful of this parenting gig, we are His and greatly beloved.

So the answer to that question: "Is it going as well as it seems on FB?" You know, yeah, it's great but don't let the Facebook snapshots fool you it's also painful, exhausting, scary, hard and worth it.

Many of you have asked about her English. She understands more than she speaks but will make you think she's tracking with you as she gazes back with the grin:) Her growth in just one month is astounding especially with comprehension.

A few milestones to share:
-She's been sleeping in our room in a small toddler bed. I highly recommend this to families if possible during those first few weeks. I told her she could move into her bed in Pryce's room when she was ready. She initiated the move and it's going well! Pryce's room has officially become "their" room:)
-She really wants to be in the mix with Pryce and Knox! They are starting school this week and she will also be "starting" one day per week. I will accompany her to preschool one day per week for a few hours. The other four days we will work together here at home and enjoy our time together. I don't expect her to be clinging to me, she loves to be around others, especially kids. I'm keeping her home for attachment reasons more than anything else. We aren't in any rush. The school has been amazing as they work with us to find the right fit for her. We are so thankful for our school staff.
-She is becoming more expressive and testing more! We expected that to come around this time. She's 5 after all and we prefer not to raise robots around here. While the testing is at times surprising yet expected we try to balance the structure with nurture (Dr. Karyn Purvis, I love you!:)
-She LOVES swimming. We are so thankful for our friends who've allowed us to pool hop!! The child has no fear when it comes to the water (which terrifies us, we are working on it!). She recently went tubing at the river!

That's all for now. Celebrating almost a month...
G

Just pics

A picture is a worth a thousand words...

First week as a Family of Five

Well today marks our first week at home! Overall I have no complaints! Shanti is adjusting very well. She's sleeping well at night. She occasionally wakes up tearful but goes back to sleep quickly with some reassurance. In many ways, Pryce and Knox treat her likes she's been around forever. They are really patient with her (and me)! They enjoy doing puzzles together. It allows them to work on a common goal but doesn't require a common language. So thankful for this discovery!!! They had a fun evening playing in the rain a few nights ago which ended with us literally bathing them outside and sending them back into the rain for a rinse:). We've done some painting together, they love bubbles and today we are going to give the pool another try. Shanti likes to color and craft and she enjoys doing educational workbooks which gives her my undivided attention as she works on letter writing. She knows all her sounds and letters (for the most part) and can count to 100 and backwards from 20. Not bad for a five year old by any standard! Todd's mom came to visit which was a blessing and we've had meal after meal from our church family and other friends. Glorious!

Shanti attended her first American style bday party this week! Pryce was excited to introduce her to all her friends. They were so kind to her! At first she was overwhelmed (or either carsick not sure!) but then she leapt into action and fell right in with the kids and other guests. It's fun to watch her experience so many firsts. Turns out MANY of the people at the party have been praying for her and they watched with joy as she experienced Sweet Frog and her first party! Other firsts include: her first haircut (Chelsea came to us, so sweet) and first trip to the library to name a few!

We've been taking pictures in places and with people we see frequently: church, stores, school etc. Someone gave me the idea to post these pictures on a school calendar so Shanti knows where we are going each day. I thought this was brilliant and I'm getting close to completing the project! I'm also working on another project where I'm placing the faces of the family, along with friends who have been adopted from her orphanage, on the state where they live. Grandma came to visit this week and she's unclear about why she suddenly vanished! She knows what a map is and after explaining it she understands better that we are in GA and BG is in MS. I'm not going to underestimate her ability to get it so we are going to give this a try and see how it goes!

Todd started his first week of work in the civilian world. It's been going really well. We've all missed him so much after having him home between jobs. Shanti is slowly warming up to him. Last night they did a puzzle and he read her books. It's sweet seeing her slowly warm up to him. On the way home from India Todd said something I thought was really profound about this adoption journey. He said something like, "I'm understanding God's unconditional love more now. I love her unconditionally yet she doesn't realize it or trust me yet." It was a statement I will always remember and he was so right. God loves us with an unfailing, unconditional love yet we stand skeptical when we are actually beloved. Beautiful.

So that's our first week in the bag. In many way I know we are still honeymooning. The hard thing is we are at home a lot which isn't really my style! Shanti of course wants a lot of my attention as do Pryce and Knox. I've probably heard mom a zillion times, no y'all, a zillion! I'm working to find joy in this opportunity rather than inconvenience. It hit me this week that I can chose to view this season in one of those two ways. The fact that God would trust me, ME, with these three blows my mind and leaves me humbled at the task.

Love to you all!
G and T

Pics

For our non-facebook friends! Finally pics:)

Journey Home and Day One

We had to be at the airport at 10pm Friday night. Yet again kudos to our hotel. We used their car service to the airport and they had a chap waiting for us at the curb. He helped us with the luggage and check in. Yet again I was glad to have a local helping out! We were a little intimated by the process of clearing customs so we got there with plenty of time to spare. The Indian customs agent was extremely thorough. He looked through all our papers then went away and came back with another agent. Immediately when the next agent walked up he congratulated us. The first agent wanted to be sure we knew the meaning of her name:) They both seemed genuinely happy for us! They cleared us and the whole process took about 10 minutes. We were thankful for the way they checked and double checked the paperwork. We breathed a sigh of relief as we got to our gate but when the plane took off from New Delhi Todd and I looked at each other with enormous smiles and tears of JOY! It was finally done!!!!

Shanti did great considering the travel time is a total of about 24 hours. We rode the moving sidewalks in the airports, ate snacks, watched movies, painted fingernails, you name it. The first flight she did well but as we were taxing into Frankfurt she gave me "the look" and I knew she was going to hurl and she did. But like our car experiences, she was good as new right when we got off the plane. The second flight to Atlanta was a different story. She got sick no less than five times (had to call for more barf bags). We gave her some dramamine and she slept the first part and the last but if she was awake she was sick. She was such a trooper though. She never argued or complained just did what she had to do and went back to watching the TV! I was so thankful that she stayed asleep as we taxied into the Atlanta airport. Note: bring plenty of ziploc bags when you travel to receive your adopted child. Especially if they have been in an orphanage. Most of them have never been in a vehicle so motion sickness is common!

When we got off you could tell she still wasn't feeling well and was extremely groggy. As we waited at US Customs (for a while) I could see her eyes looking at people in shades of color she's likely never seen. It hit me that not only was she terrified in general she was also seeing more adults than she'd ever seen in her life in more shades then she probably knew existed. They never really went out of the orphanage and if they did they were seeing mostly Indians. I asked her "Darr?" she nodded yes, she was scared. You never know what they hear about America. I held her as we made our way through customs, again everything went smooth. Again the customs agents congratulated us, this time because Shanti had just become a U.S. Citizen!!!

We grabbed the luggage and made our way out of the international baggage area and I spotted Pryce right away! The kids were there along with Jill (sis-in-law) and my nieces and nephews. It was an unforgettable moment! Seeing Pryce with her was so special. She couldn't get over how small Shanti was and Shanti was grinning from ear to ear! Knox wasted no time hugging her and saying hello. In that moment it felt like they had all been together for years. We snapped some pics and Pryce gave Shanti the necklace she bought her. Pryce put it on her and Shanti was so happy. Pryce had also bought me a new necklace, a sweet owl. During the moment Knox asked Todd, "When am I getting a brodher?" ha!  Pryce kept asking Shanti, "Can you say this/that?" and Shanti just smiled! Pryce said, "I can't believe I have a sister! I can't believe she's here." Knox was trying to talk to Shanti in spanish:) Later Pryce told us it was one of the happiest days of her life. Ours too!

Pryce and Knox talked and talked to her the whole way home. She would smile and nod and sometime rattle something off in hindi. She only got sick once on the ride home and she was drinking Gatoade and eating popcorn by the time we rolled into the driveway.We turned in the neighborhood and a small group of our friends were aiting to greet us. We hopped out of the car and Shanti smiled and waved and said hello in her sweet accent. The kids were also excited to see everyone. Everyone stayed in the driveway for about 10 minutes then they were off. We walked into the house filled with decorations, signs and food all placed there by incredible friends. The kids were all bouncing off the walls with excitement. Shanti was running around and you could see the amazement as she went around every corner. Pryce and Knox were so excited to show her everything and she was excited to show them. It was the most excited we've seen her to date!

The first night she did well. We have a small toddler bed in our room (thanks to my sweet friend Jennie C who brought it over and set it up for me!). She went to bed and woke around 2am tearful. She slept the remainder of the night with us. Saturday the girls kicked Daddy out of the bed and enjoyed a sleep over. Then last night she slept from 6:30pm-5:15am in her little bed beside our own. I woke up to her sitting up in her little bed staring at me, ha! I get that feeling a lot. I think someone is watching me and sure enough, it's Shanti!

Things are going well here. It's interesting to watch a child who has spent most of their life in an orphanage. The first several days she's displayed what the experts call a post-instutional sensory overload response (I think that's how they say it)! We are fortunate to have experienced friends and one of my best friends Kristin, is a OT specializing in sensory issues, not to mention a mommy to adopted children. If things get too overwhelming Shanti will literally shut down. She will stare, slowly blink, become unresponsive,  it's startling if you don't know to expect it. We overloaded her big time on Saturday and she had one of these episodes. Kristin (and other mom's) assure me it's a classic sensory overload response. Now that I know the signs,  I try to remove her to a quiet calm place and hold her and engage her with one toy. It's not neccessary to tip toe around her but let's just say we won't be going to Chuckee Cheese this week! We clearly understand the point of the cocooning. I believe Shanti genuinely enjoys being around people, she's extremely friendly and kind. We just have to slowly introduce new things. Like today rather than having her watch the kids on the trampoline and stand on it herself (yeah I know, what was I thinking right?!) we went outside and threw the ball for 5 minutes, held a pine cone and came inside! Way more tolerable!

It's hard to imagine that she literally lived out of approximately 3 rooms and went outside to the same spot daily: a small patch of grass the size of the patio. I saw almost no toys and their teachers come to the orphanage for classes,  so even school takes place inside those walls. It's fascinating to watch her on uneven ground (like in our sloped backyard) trying to get her footing. If you give her a container of blocks she begins to sort them but if you give her 10 blocks she will build with them. She will set the dollhouse up perfectly but then thinks it's time to put it all away, the concept of pretending with the dolls is completely foreign. The same is true of food. She does much better with the rice and beans all mixed together in one bowl rather than 5 options together on a plate. All of these things are temporary and already within in a few days time I'm seeing growth (plus Todd and I are being more aware). The wonderful thing is she finds joy in such simple things: she giggles when you throw her a ball, she drags Pryce by the hand to show her a toy. She's extremely smart. She knows all her letters, numbers, and can remember words in English very quickly-impressive!

Pryce and Knox are doing well overall. Pryce is extremely nurturing and Knox genuinely enjoys her. I think the first day was a little overwhelming to them. They are working to understand how at age 5 she's experiencing so many firsts. Knox wants to be sure she doesn't mess up his toys while Pryce has been liberal with her things, more so than I expected. All things considered, they are both adjusting well. They (P and K) just left for a playdate and were reassuring Shanti they would be back. I'm not sure she understood because as she went down for her nap she was tearful. It's hard to know what's behind those tears but each time I hold her and lay beside her praying God will heal her wounds and meet her in those moments.

We are beyond thankful for the love and support. Words will never fully express our thanks to our family, friends and church family. We are receiving meals, Pryce and Knox are enjoying playdates, you name it! Todd's mom came in for a few days since Todd started his new job today. It's been nice to have her here to help out as we recover from the trip and adjust.  I'm so thankful our community here. Instead of waiting to be asked everyone is going above and beyond as we settle in as a family of 5! THANK YOU!

Love to all!
G

First Steps

Gotcha day is one of the most exciting days. It's emotional and overwhelming and glorious. Gotcha day was so exciting in fact that once we all laid down to go to sleep my eyes were wide open! I think I slept all of an hour Monday night. I was so wound up, my bedmates were snoring (both of them) and the jet lag set in. So Todd woke up at 2am (like most mornings) and we hung out, had our coffee, attempted to go back to sleep and gave up:)

Tuesday we headed out for our Visa appt. In India it's generally cheaper to book a car for a few hours rather than pay for the here and there. The driver arrived on time and before we knew it we were pulling up to the Embassy (with an empty barf bag I might add, yay). The driver pulled over (aka as stopped in the middle of a lane-in a traffic circle-in New Delhi, in his defense there was no where else to do so). We were trying to make arrangements for pick up with our driver. We hurriedly did so and paid for this later. The policeman/guard quickly came over and was letting the driver have it, so we leapt out of the car and didn't look back. 

Walking up to the Embassy we immediately saw a long line of Indian people waiting to get through the security check. We knew as U.S. citizens we didn't have to wait in the lines. We walked right up to the guard and said "American Citizen" this flows freely from your mouth at every check point when you are at an Embassy (it's a Lee Greenwood- Proud to be an American-moment no doubt). The guard checked our passports and wasn't happy to see that Shanti brought along her Dora backpack. The Embassy doesn't allow phones, bags etc to be brought inside. We went back and forth until he compromised and agreed to hold it for her, ha. I was honestly glad to see his diligence on security. Shanti fished out the little toy ponies her sister gave her and the toy duck from Tarana. We made our way through security and past TONS of waiting people until we found ourself at the point where you do the paperwork. We were told to be seated and wait but again knew as citizens we had priority as would an Indian national at their consulate in the U.S. Daddy took charge and fairly quickly we were standing at a window sliding all the paperwork under the glass separating us from the kind worker. The whole thing took about 15 minutes or less. Shanti was SO patient just fiddling with her toys or wanting me to hold her. We were directed to the cashier. It appears that despite a sign hanging above our heads saying they accept dollars, Rupee, Visa or Mastercard (also on the website) they said cash only. We had plenty of Rupee or so we thought. We also had a combo of dollars and rupee. The guy told us what we needed to pay: 44,000 Rupee (or so we heard). We still haven't got the conversion down and were anxious to get it done (normally we would plug it into our conversion app for iphone but no phone in the embassy). We had over 20K rupee but wasn't enough. Todd right away said we need to speak to someone above you as it clearly states here you take cards and yet he was refusing to do so. A respectable looking guy showed up within a few minutes. At first he was going to make us come back but then changed his mind and said he would do the Visa interview and then come back and pay. We went back to the other window where we clarified the amount needed so we could collect that after the interview. The clerk said yes it's 14,000 something Rupee. Huh?!  "I write it down for you" remember there's a sheet of glass and he has a hefty accent. It was not Rp 44,000 it was Rp 14! GOT IT! We all realized the mistake and despite our spiritied exchanges only moments before all was well. We paid the Rupee, did the interview which lasted about 5 minutes (again looking through the glass) and he said we will call your hotel if it's ready today or you can pick up tomorrow. Minus the Rupee/Payment misunderstanding it was an easy process just as we had been told by the families who went before us. Make a note: just because paperwork and a sign say they take Mastercard or Visa, bring cash only and save yourself the hassle, just saying:)

When our driver dumped us out we were fairly sure we told him to come back in about 30 min and he described that he would be driving past to keep an eye out for us. Again no iphone. We waited over 30 minutes then decided forget it...we are hailing a rickshaw! Now for some of you this sounds like no big deal but I will ask: 1. Do you know the make-up of a rickshaw 2. Have you ridden a rickshaw with your child in Delhi at peak traffic times? ha! We hopped in the rickshaw and for the next 10 minutes we wheeled in and out of traffic circles, wind in our faces, horns blowing and Shanti grinning and soaking it in. She loved the rickshaw and so did I. We may catch another cruise this morning before the traffic picks up. I didn't have my camera and think she needs her picture in one for sure.

We came back to our hotel, Todd called the driver and went back out for a few things from the pharmacy and before we new it the front desk was calling saying the Embassy called and the Visa was ready! Todd went and got it and was back in no time! DONE! DONE! DONE! YAY. We were so thankful. Our official girl was napping beside me. Sweet. 

When Shanti woke up she was quiet but not in a way we had witnessed so far (this wasn't a shyness). She had a look of concern and fear. I put her in my lap and held her while Todd laid beside us. We realized she was holding back tears. We said Thika cry Shanti (OK to cry Shanti). We pointed in her little picture dictionary and asked if she was sad or scared and I was proud to see her gently and honestly nod yes. Her eyes spilled over with tears and at this point we were crying quietly with her. I held her and she leaned into me while Todd laid near. He translated some things to her. We reminded her we will never leave her and that she is safe. She looked in our eyes filled with tears and we repeated, "thika to cry Shanti". All the grief and loss she must be experiencing. All the grief and loss she has already experienced. The more unanswered questions. It was so painful to see her wounds and see her hurting. Our hearts hurt so deeply for her. Instead of trying to make her laugh or move past it we have been taught that allowing an adopted child to experience all stages of grief and loss is critical for healing. We've also been taught to grieve with them. I probably would have failed to do this instinctively and I'm so thankful for the other adoptive parents, social workers and scholars who talk about the real stuff concerning adoption. We expect this will be the first of many of those moments. We stayed like that for a while. Todd stepped out and I continued to hold her. She had her arms wrapped around my neck and I could feel her sweet fingers moving across my back. She would occasionally wipe a tear but willing rested in my arms. I asked her if she wanted to go eat with Mama and in a few minutes she was bustling around getting ready. Just like that the moment was gone but it will forever be in our hearts. All the stages won't be this tender or restful. Pray for her and us as we journey this with her. 

We made our way downstairs. Remember I haven't slept in 24 hours. Upon entering the restaurants all Shanti's peeps greeted her with high fives and sweet smiles. Our favorite manager and waiter immediately started talking to her in Hindi. They speak English well and willingly translate for us. He asked me were we there for lunch or dinner. I said, "What time is it?" ha! It was 2:30pm. We decided on a snack and the manager rattled off options. She said, "Cake!" So you better believe she got cake. Of course they brought her two and she gobbled down the strawberry. We still haven't figured out her drink preference. She likes water but requests milk then doesn't drink it. They say she's asking for cold milk with a little sugar. Something about it doesn't suit her though. We did crafts in the hotel lobby and talked to one of the hotel employees who was intrigued by it all. Later in the day I have to say she was much more talkative and interactive. I think it helped to let go of some of those emotions. I'm trying to convince her to let me record her reciting, "One Little Apple Hanging in a Tree" ADORABLE with her accent! She apparently knows a lot of poems. It was good to see her being playful and comfortable. She told me about her friends at WHC and who had been adopted. We looked back through her pictures and videos from our tour of the orphanage and watched Pryce and Knox's video where they toured our house and showed her all around. She loved it.

Before dinner, she and Todd did some crafts together. She will let Todd hold her etc but still is a bit unsure (although she flashed a genuine toothy grin when Todd kissed her on the forehead earlier:)The hesitance with a new daddy is apparently not uncommon as most children from orphanages rarely interact with men so we expected it. We ordered room service for dinner. We got her Dal makhni which is black lentils with tomato and cream, basmati rice and Indian potato bread called Bharwan Kulcha. She loved it! It's the best we've seen her eat so far and we loved it too. This I think I can make in Amedrika:)

We were in bed by 6:30pm and I slept until almost midnight. Todd woke up about 1am and here we are, as usual, wide awake:) 

Pryce and Knox are having a blast with the cousins in Tenn. Jill said they lit up when they saw the pics and video of Shanti and they are very excited!

A few things about Shanti:

-She smiles A LOT! 

-She's a little shy.

-She's very friendly.

-She's meticulous. I've seen her dump out a package of markers so she could organize them appropriately. Todd has picked up on this too and you can imagine he loves it, ha.

-She loves chocolate

-She loves crafts and can draw really well.

-She can say her ABC's and many English words but we are still trying to figure out how much she understands.

-She writes her S backwards:)

-She can sleep through anything (orphanage life). We have the light on, we are talking, whatever. She falls asleep quickly and sleeps well.

-She likes to dress up and put bows, clips or barrettes in her hair.

-Shes' teeny! She has wiggle room in 3T dresses!

We roll out of here Thursday night! We can't wait to get home to Pryce and Knox and get the show on the road. Pray for continued health here as we are all recovering from colds (we are suspecting Shanti's sickness had something to do with upper respiratory). Pray for the flights home and that all is on time and goes well. 

Much Love.

G and T